Leaving An Abusive Relationship
Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Jennifer consulted with me regarding her 18-year marriage.
"I just don't know what to do. I believe in marriage, and I have tried
to believe in my marriage. But Jake's drinking has been getting worse
and worse for most of our marriage, and so are his rages. Occasionally
he has hit me, and last week he pushed me down a few stairs and then
locked me out of the house - which is what led me to call you. And then
he did the same thing to our youngest daughter who is still living at
home. I'm scared of him most of the time now, and I'm scared for my
daughter. He gets really nasty and verbally abusive when he has been
drinking, which is most of the time. He is always calling me names and
blaming me for everything that goes wrong in his life. And he doesn't
think he has a problem! When I have suggested counseling for us, he
laughs, saying that there is nothing wrong with him and that I'm the
crazy one. I've been trying so hard, but nothing is changing. I keep
thinking that if I just do things right, then things will get better."
I hear this over and over from my clients: "If I just do things right,
then things will get better."
But they won't, because Jennifer is not the cause of Jake's abusive
behavior and has no control over it, and Jake has no intention of
changing.
"Jennifer," I asked, "What would you do if you were 100% certain that
you were not the cause of Jake's abusive behavior and that there was
nothing you could do about it? What if this is the way he is and that
he has no intention of changing?"
"Then I would leave."
"So what is stopping you from leaving is that you believe that you can
do something about it?"
"Yes. He can be so charming at times. So I think that if I do it right,
he will stop drinking and be his charming self."
"Jennifer, not knowing Jake at all, I cannot diagnose him, but he
sounds like he may have a condition known as Borderline Personality
Disorder." I read her the symptoms of BPD and asked her after each one
if Jake fit the description. "Yes" she said to almost all of the
symptoms. "I suggest that you do some research on the Internet about
Borderline Personality Disorder, as well as read a book called 'Stop
Walking on Eggshells' by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger. This is going to
help you decide what is best for you do to."
By our next session, Jennifer had read the book and done her research.
"There is no doubt about it," she said, "Jake has BPD. I can also see
how I have contributed to the problems all these years by thinking that
his behavior was my fault. I told Jake that unless he is willing to
receive help, I am going to leave him, and now I am staying at my
sister's house. He still doesn't believe me. He thinks that if he is
just his charming self, I will come back. But now I know that unless he
receives a lot of help, this isn't going to change. And I also really
know that his behavior is not my fault and never was my fault. He still
says that he is fine and will not go for help. I know that I have no
choice but to leave because my daughter and I are not safe with him."
"How are you feeling about this decision?"
"I feel sad and relieved. I always wanted to have an intact family, so
I feel so sad that I'm not going to have this. And I feel sad for him.
I still care about him, but I know that he doesn't care about himself
or me. I feel relieved because I no longer feel scared of him and of
his hurting us."
This was not an easy decision for Jennifer. Yet she realized that even
though she still cared a lot about Jake, as long as he was harming
himself, harming her and harming her daughter, leaving was her only
option.
About The Author:
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight
books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and
“Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner
Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site
for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com/ or email
her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions Available.