Why Do You Want to "Communicate" With Your Partner?
Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

When partners are having problems, they often say that the problem is
communication. What exactly does this mean? What are they trying to
communicate?

There are various reasons for communicating:

Sometimes we communicate to offer information about ourselves, such
as, "I'm going out for a walk," or "The dinner reservations are for
7:00."

Sometimes we communicate to ask for help with tasks, such as, "I need
to move the couch to clean under it and I can't lift it. Would you
help me?"

Sometimes we communicate to learn something about the other person,
such as "Please help me to understand why you are feeling upset with
me. I care about you and I really want to understand."

Sometimes we communicate to ask for help regarding ourselves, such
as, "I’m feeling very anxious and I don't know why. Would you talk
with me for awhile? Maybe if I talk about it I will understand it."

For the most part, these forms of communication do not cause
problems, unless there is an ulterior motive. An ulterior occurs when
the intention of the communication is to have some control over the
other person. When the intent of the above communications is to offer
information, ask for help, or to learn, then there will likely not be
problems. But these same communications can be spoken with an intent
to control. The intent to control will be communicated through a
harsh or judgmental tone of voice and through a hard, closed energy.

For example, "I'm going from a walk!" said with anger, has behind it
an intent to control the other person through punishment. The real
communication is "You have behaved in a way that is unacceptable to
me so I am punishing you by withdrawing from you." "The dinner
reservations are for 7:00," can be said in a tone that says, "…and
you better be there."

Asking for help in moving the couch can be either a request or a
demand, depending upon the intent. A request can be answered, "Sorry,
I'm really busy right now. I will help you later," without
repercussions. When the same thing is said as a demand, the other
person is not allowed to say no without negative consequences.

You can ask someone why he or she is upset with you from a true
desire to learn, or from an intent to control. When your intent is to
control, you will likely argue with whatever the person says, trying
to talk him or her out of the upset.

When you are upset, you can ask for help because you really do want
to learn and take responsibility for your feelings, or because you
want the other person to fix you, to take care of you, to rescue you.
People often want to communicate their feelings to get the other
person to change, rather than to learn and take responsibility for
their feelings.

Problems with communication will always occur when the intent is to
control. So when clients of mine say, "We can't communicate," I
immediately know that one or both of them are coming from an intent
to control in their communications. They are intent on trying to get
the other person to change.

The intent to control often creates power struggles in relationships.
While most people certainly want to be in control, they do not want
to be controlled. So when one person is coming from the intent to
control, the other person may respond with resistance. Power
struggles result when one person behaves in a controlling way and the
other person resists being controlled.

When one person is intent on controlling and the other gives in to
keep the peace, it may seem like the relationship is working.
However, the compliant person is often covertly angry and may resist
in an other area, such as sexually. When you give yourself up to
avoid conflict, you generally resent the person you give yourself up
to, which doesn't create the emotional intimacy necessary to feel
sexually intimate.

Next time you want to communicate with your partner, ask yourself,
"Why do I want to communicate?" If you discover that you are wanting
to get the other person to change, consider doing your own inner work
instead - deciding how to take care of yourself instead of trying to
get your partner to change. You might discover that you get a far
better result!


About The Author:

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of
eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?"
and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful
Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her
web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com/
or email her at mailto:mailto:margaret@innerbounding.com. Phone Sessions
Available.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Inner Bonding Educational Technologies, Inc.
2531 Sawtelle Blvd., #42
Los Angeles, CA 90064
310-459-1700 • 888-646-6372 (888-6INNERBOND)
mailto:mailto:margaret@innerbounding.com
http://www.innerbonding.com/
©2007